Who Am I

“When I’m writing, I always like to have the TV playing in the background.  I usually try to find a program that’s interesting enough to leave on, but stupid enough to ignore.”  George Carlin

 

            The game started around 6 that night.  It was the ‘all-stars’ past and present of Washington Court House versus the Cincinnati Bengals in a basketball game.  I was stoked to see one individual play because of the freakish nature of this dude’s athleticism.  And no, I was not there to see any of the Court House ‘all-stars’.  I was, however, hoping to watch the Court House team go up in flames like an out of control grease fire.  And what a mess that team appeared to be.  All of the local YMCA hoops ‘guy’ appeared to be there.  Goggles guy, high socks guy, taking the game too seriously guy, guy that will probably get dunked on, etc. etc.

            The athlete that I went to see, in my opinion, was a top ten player of all-time at his position.  The Bengals only brought like 6 or 7 guys and one of them was a retired player.  From what I can recall there were a couple linebackers, a former defensive back, a d-linemen, and two receivers.  If you don’t watch football there are two rows of 6-7 fat dudes that lineup facing each other on the line of scrimmage.  These are the linemen; behind the lineman you have a set of 2-3 linebackers.  They are usually big guys and athletic.  Behind the linebackers are defensive backs, they are usually solid athletes with speed and not as much size.  The guys with the most athleticism are usually your wide receivers.  Wide receivers are the guys that score the points and receive a lot of attention.  Some of them can handle it, some of them change their name like a jackass and do stupid shit like have a show on VH 1 where you makeout with a bunch of skanks.  Not all receivers are morons that head butt their wife and get a divorce faster than Kim Kardashaskank.           

            So, here I am sitting in the stands with my ex-girlfriend, my youngest brother, and his best friend, and a bunch of dirts from Washington Court House.  The game was the main attraction, but there was an autograph session afterwards that I was highly anticipating.  The only reason I insult the Court House dirts; is because there was a dirt that was in front of me during the autograph session wearing a wife beater; and he actually handed his ¾ empty Mountain Dew bottle to the athlete of my story, for him to sign.  I was embarrassed to be standing in line as an adult wanting another grown man’s autograph, but I didn’t need to see Joe Dirt hand over his best Dew bottle for a John Hancock from my boy and add to the embarrassment of the whole situation.  I was not pleased as you can tell.

            The game itself was great.  The athlete I went to see dropped around 50-60 points on Court House.  Not only was he draining every shot with ease, but he was also doing unbelievable acrobatic dunks.  He would take shots from way beyond the 3-point arc and drain them.  The other Bengals would throw the ball up to him and he would connect with a thunderous alley-oop.  It was seriously beginning to look like Michael Jordan in his prime out there practicing with a junior varsity team.  I was loving every minute of it.  The Court House stars were getting dominated by one guy.

            What was so incredible was how dominating this guy was at a sport that he probably could have played professionally.  You would have thought that this guy was an 8 year veteran shooting guard in the NBA.  Goggles guy got blocked, guys were getting dunked on, and Court House was in full meltdown mode. 

           

 

 

 

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One thought on “Who Am I

  1. Elements of This Draft That Are Working Well:
    -nice detail about characters
    -humor

    Elements of This Draft That Might Be Strengthened:
    -a question: is not mentioning the athlete’s name the constraint you chose? Your title asks “Who Am I?,” but, since you include information for non-football fans, I wonder: would a non-football fan be able to answer that question?

    One or More Sentences I Especially Like:
    -” I was embarrassed to be standing in line as an adult wanting another grown man’s autograph, but I didn’t need to see Joe Dirt hand over his best Dew bottle for a John Hancock from my boy and add to the embarrassment of the whole situation.”

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